Damien felt he had been awaken from a very lengthy period of sleep.
Ignatius' note: To you illiterate readers, it is not that Mr. Sandow is an ignoramus who believed human beings could hibernate. He is just using a figure of speech... Which... I doubt you even know what that means, so let's move on.
Damien awoke from his slumber feeling the biggest urge to quench the naive men's thirst for knowledge and enlightenment. For he was the biggest lighthouse in a sea of ignorance, Damien Sandow could not ignore his task, quintessential for the survival of mankind. Damien paced along the Bob Carpenter Center, prior to the EBWF Warfare event that would take place on Monday night. His nose hadn't felt the stench of ignorance in quite a while... He wrinkled his nose and shook his head while he walked along... Meditating, observing inferior creatures in their routinely jobs. Damien's moment of self-reflection would be interrupted by none other than the virally popular yet unexperienced and second-fiddle EBWF announcer, Renee Young... Alongside her, a camera man aimed the lens straight at Damien, the red lightbulb on the machine indicated it was indeed transmitting ignorance.
'Ahh... Interrumpting my moment of rumination to bestow knowledge upon those who need it... Sometimes I think I incarnate nobility with astonishing perfection'
Renee Young: Excuse me, Mr. Sandow?
Damien Sandow: Yes, young lass... I take it you want me to grant you a moment of enlightenment.
Renee Young: Actually, we've been looking for you all day long.
Damien Sandow: I see desperation, thirst for knowledge in your eyes? Don't you worry, your savior is here!
Renee shook her head and looked at him.
Renee Young: Not only you haven't replied any calls or E-mail messages... You were supposed to address your upcoming match in an EBWF.net Interview. On top of that, you're supposed to attend Warfare Axxess and interact with the fans who had bought their tickets.
Damien Sandow shook his head a couple of times.
Damien Sandow: I categorically refuse to succumb at the slavery of technology these days. Tell whoever was looking for me that I won't condone the use of phones, or digital letters with TERRIBLE grammar.
The camera panned out to show a huge sign above a door which read "EBWF WARFARE AXXESS". He aimed his index finger at the hideously written sign,
Damien Sandow: Is that what I agreed to do?
Renee nodded her head.
Damien Sandow: I feel a sudden urge to extirpate my corneas... Listen, young woman. Why don't you and that muttonhead with the camera accompany me while I interact with the unwashed masses? That way you can gather my thoughts, and who knows? Maybe even learn something.
Without further ado, Sandow began walking towards the door... He suddenly turned around and pointed at the camera.
Damien Sandow: And for the record, if access is misspelt ever again, you can forget about me grazing you with my presence.
Sandow was in for a horror show the moment he walked through the door. A cutout image of himself, holding a whole bunch of rabbit feet and golden horseshoes, amongst other lucky charms made his teeth cringe.
Damien Sandow: What in the name of Plato is this tomfoolery!?!?!?!?!
Sandow's exclamation made the few fans who gathered for the Axxess turn their head towards him. He found himself surrounded by them in a matter of seconds. Some of them wanted to take pictures with him, other's didn't have the delicacy to ask and just took pictures of him with their camera phones, people wanting them to sign their rabbit feet, dirty, dusty paws of slaughtered animals right on his face. Sandow shook his head and shoved them all off... He made way towards his carton cutout, which he immediately ripped apart. He walked over a pile of T-shirts with the rabbit foot printed on them and tossed them to the floor. Fans in attendance pressed themselves against nearby walls as they watched Sandow pant heavily.
Damien Sandow: Where did all this garbage come from?
Renee Young pointed at Sandow a bit nervously.
Damien Sandow: Don't even tell me it came from me! Don't you dare tell me any of this was my idea... For I would never allow such detrimental products satisfy these consumerist ignoramuses!
A tower of monitors next to Sandow lit up, displaying his recent antics and much more friendly persona. His eyes fixed on the images... Sandow took the tower of monitors and pushed it onto the ground with a loud crash. He walked past Renee young and spoke in a serene voice tone.
Damien Sandow: Consider that a preliminary display of what I am going to do to my opponent on Monday night... Who is he again?
Renee Young: Big Show...
Damien leaned into Renee's microphone.
Damien Sandow: Ahh... And here I was, thinking there couldn't be a more gargantuan, shameless mistake in this dire day for human history. I guess this is what I get for encouraging the unwashed masses to believe in such absurdities... After all, someone with my intellect and my presence is obviously going to be influential for the weaker minded EBWF fans. But after Monday night everything will be straightened out and the EBWF universe will once again be enlightened. YOU'RE WELCOME!
Sandow stormed out of the room as the scene faded to black.
