Profitless.

The intoxicating scent of polished Mahogany filled the environment. Bookshelves completely stacked with all kinds of Novels, Encyclopaedias, Dictionaries... The camera panned out slowly to show a line of 6 desks. Sitting in each desk, a silent man sat. Each man was dressed sharply, with dark gray jackets, white collared blue shirts and red ties. All of them stared blankly to the front, where in front of a big desk, stood the Intellectual saviour of the masses, Damien Sandow. Mr. Sandow also beared a black suit, a white shirt underneath and a pink coloured tie. Beethoven's Symphony Nº 40 filled what looked like a top notch classroom. Beethoven's music faded in the background... Mr. Sandow walked in front of his pupils.

Damien Sandow: And that was Beethoven's 40th Symphony... One of the most absorbing and alluding sonatas ever composed by a man... Did you notice the arrangements on...

The students remained silent, looking straight at Damien.

Damien Sandow: ...It's not like I expected your inferior minds to appreciate such a talented interpretation... At least not without untrained hearing. Now, as we had scheduled... I am going to give a lecture on how to become prosperous, affluent, captivating and successful in life... Now...

Mr. Sandow's head turned towards the camera. His facial expression clearly showed revulsion. The camera had panned out to show Matt Striker, who had irrupted into Mr. Sandow's classroom.

Damien Sandow: But before I begin my lecture... Here is the perfect example on what NOT to do if want ones to become successful in life... Matt Striker.

Striker remained silent. 

Damien Sandow: A man who has tried to trascend in so many fields; Instruction, Communication, Wrestling... Yet who had failed miserably on every single attempt. Tell me, and tell the class Matt Striker, are you here looking for enlightenment?   

Matt Striker: Actually, Damien... I'm here to ask you about your upcoming match at Warfare.

Damien Sandow: Tell me something, Matthew... Do you think you are going to look any more astute before my students just because you used lengthier sentences? You could have just said: Yes. Could you please shed a light about the one in question?

Matt Striker: Your opponent?

Damien Sandow: No, the harlot I employed for tonight. YES! My opponent you ignoramus. 

Matt Striker: Jay Briscoe?

Damien turned his head towards his pupils.

Damien Sandow: Pupils, please note that my opponent goes by a common name consisting of one syllable, which clearly allows us to determine the intelligence of his parents, and thanks to a quick mental calculation based on my vast genetic knowledge... His own intelligences. Note that he goes by a common nickname for James, Jared, Jamie, Joaquin, Jonathan or Joseph... Matthew, is my opponent mentally challenged to any degree?

Matt Striker: N...

Damien Sandow: Rhetorical question! Compared to me, he is mentally challenged... You ALL are! Matthew... Tell me more about this simpleton I'm facing. 

Matt Striker: Jay Briscoe was working for Ring of Honor, where he was the World Champion at one point. Alongside is brother Mark, they have competed all over the globe and have held multiple championships. Jay also had an impressive performance in the EBWF King of the Ring Tour...

Damien Sandow: I would have to if I participated...

Matt Striker: You did, and Tensai squashed y..

Damien Sandow: SILENCE!!!! I said I would have won that Tournament if I had the chance to participate. You still haven't told me anything useful about my opponent Matthew... Do I have to send Ignatius to look in the internet?

Matt Striker: He's... Well... Of southern heritage...

Damien Sandow: AHA! So, Jay Briscoe is a man who basically enjoys watching NASCAR, drinking gargantuan amounts of brewed alcoholic beverages and sexual intercourse with first blood relatives?

Matt Striker: I've never....

Damien Sandow: Does he refuse to cope with the fact that the President of the United States of America is of African-American descent? Does he firmly believe in the second amendment of the constitution, to the point he displays his manliness by bearing arms?

Matt Striker: Where did all that come from?

Damien Sandow: Common sense. Does Jay Briscoe condemn homosexual conducts?

Matt Striker: He has been very vocal, up to the point of "Threatening to shoot everyone who attempted to teach his children that marriage between people of the same sex is normal..."

Damien Sandow: Typical. He's one of those Southern men who are still unable to come to terms with the turn of events after the Civil war that led to abolishing slavery. Now, whilst I am a fine believe that Diamonds form when you put pressure on them, I really doubt this troglodyte makes good feed stoke for the making of Diamonds. It is one of the hardest parts of being a martyr, an intellectual savior for the unwashed masses... Sometimes, my wisdom allows me to foresee when someone is just a lost cause... I'm pretty sure my opponent will not appreciate any enlightenment I am able to offer to him... I doubt he wants me to remove the shackles of ignorance and help him climb out of that dark cave he has been living in... Now, let me ask you something. If he doesn't want to be saved... And clearly... I am the bigger man out of the two... What is the point of the confrontation -If any? This contest is completely profitless, Matthew.

Matt Striker: You've told us what you think about your opponent... But as I stated before he made quite a name for himself at the King of The Ring Tournament, he even Pinned Mr. Money in the Bank... He went toe to toe with Bret Hart... I wouldn't take it lightly if I were you.

Sandow's laughter echoed in the wooden classroom.

Damien Sandow: Matthew! If you were me, you wouldn't be holding a microphone and asking the questions... You would be the beacon of good form and enlightenment. I thought I had clearly stated it with my victory over that Pachydermata  specimen last week... But if I have to do it again tonight... I will gladly SILENCE that inferior mind...

Matt Striker turned his attention to the camera.

Matt Striker: Last, Damien... In case Jay Briscoe is watching, do you want to send him a message?
Damien Sandow: Indeed. I'd like to inform my opponent that I am used to berating my opponent with my sole presence... I hope he does not take it personally. This is quite a peculiar situation, since this foe and I step on opposite ends of the spectrum of intelligences. In fact, I can picture him right now... Mouthing blasphemy after blasphemy, cursing the moment he had to share a ring with me. 

Damien looked delighted, smiling and squinting his eyes a little as he looked in the distance.
Damien Sandow: I can see his reaction when he watches me in my ring attire, his vexed facial expression at the socially unacceptable colors I am wearing to the ring... But you know, it is perfectly normal for a man to wear just about any color. Allow me to shed a light over those who ignore the true nature of my colors...

Sandow directed himself towards the class.

Damien Sandow: Make sure to take notes on this... As it will most likely show up in your mid term exam. People who allow colors to dictate a judgment about someone else are clearly intellectually impaired. Why would a color should draw a conclusion about someone? Take me for example... I have the height, weight, tan and contexture of a roman gladiator... I have the manliest beard you could ever dream of... And just because I decide to wear pi...

Matt Striker: Pink?

Damien Sandow: Pink, Coral, Fuchsia... Call it however you want! It doesn't change the fact I am as masculine as they come! It doesn't change the fact I will defeat my homophobic arm bearing opponent at Warfare!  Class dismissed...

YOU'RE WELCOME!

Sandow smirked confidently into the camera as the scene faded to black.

How to mend a gargantuan blunder.

Damien felt he had been awaken from a very lengthy period of sleep.

Ignatius' note: To you illiterate readers, it is not that Mr. Sandow is an ignoramus who believed human beings could hibernate. He is just using a figure of speech... Which... I doubt you even know what that means, so let's move on.

Damien awoke from his slumber feeling the biggest urge to quench the naive men's thirst for knowledge and enlightenment. For he was the biggest lighthouse in a sea of ignorance, Damien Sandow could not ignore his task, quintessential for the survival of mankind. Damien paced along the Bob Carpenter Center, prior to the EBWF Warfare event that would take place on Monday night. His nose hadn't felt the stench of ignorance in quite a while... He wrinkled his nose and shook his head while he walked along... Meditating, observing inferior creatures in their routinely jobs. Damien's moment of self-reflection would be interrupted by none other than the virally popular yet unexperienced and second-fiddle EBWF announcer, Renee Young... Alongside her, a camera man aimed the lens straight at Damien, the red lightbulb on the machine indicated it was indeed transmitting ignorance.

'Ahh...  Interrumpting my moment of rumination to bestow knowledge upon those who need it... Sometimes I think I incarnate nobility with astonishing perfection'

Renee Young: Excuse me, Mr. Sandow?

Damien Sandow: Yes, young lass... I take it you want me to grant you a moment of enlightenment.  

Renee Young: Actually, we've been looking for you all day long. 

Damien Sandow: I see desperation, thirst for knowledge in your eyes? Don't you worry, your savior is here!

Renee shook her head and looked at him.

Renee Young: Not only you haven't replied any calls or E-mail messages... You were supposed to address your upcoming match in an EBWF.net Interview. On top of that, you're supposed to attend Warfare Axxess and interact with the fans who had bought their tickets.

Damien Sandow shook his head a couple of times.

Damien Sandow: I categorically refuse to succumb at the slavery of technology these days. Tell whoever was looking for me that I won't condone the use of phones, or digital letters with TERRIBLE grammar.

The camera panned out to show a huge sign above a door which read "EBWF WARFARE AXXESS". He aimed his index finger at the hideously written sign,

Damien Sandow: Is that what I agreed to do? 

Renee nodded her head.

Damien Sandow: I feel a sudden urge to extirpate my corneas... Listen, young woman. Why don't you and that muttonhead with the camera accompany me while I interact with the unwashed masses? That way you can gather my thoughts, and who knows? Maybe even learn something.

Without further ado, Sandow began walking towards the door... He suddenly turned around and pointed at the camera.

Damien Sandow: And for the record, if access is misspelt ever again, you can forget about me grazing you with my presence.

Sandow was in for a horror show the moment he walked through the door. A cutout image of himself, holding a whole bunch of rabbit feet and golden horseshoes, amongst other lucky charms made his teeth cringe.

Damien Sandow: What in the name of Plato is this tomfoolery!?!?!?!?!

Sandow's exclamation made the few fans who gathered for the Axxess turn their head towards him. He found himself surrounded by them in a matter of seconds. Some of them wanted to take pictures with him, other's didn't have the delicacy to ask and just took pictures of him with their camera phones, people wanting them to sign their rabbit feet, dirty, dusty paws of slaughtered animals right on his face. Sandow shook his head and shoved them all off... He made way towards his carton cutout, which he immediately ripped apart. He walked over a pile of T-shirts with the rabbit foot printed on them and tossed them to the floor. Fans in attendance pressed themselves against nearby walls as they watched Sandow pant heavily.

Damien Sandow: Where did all this garbage come from? 

Renee Young pointed at Sandow a bit nervously.

Damien Sandow: Don't even tell me it came from me! Don't you dare tell me any of this was my idea... For I would never allow such detrimental products satisfy these consumerist ignoramuses! 

A tower of monitors next to Sandow lit up, displaying his recent antics and much more friendly persona. His eyes fixed on the images... Sandow took the tower of monitors and pushed it onto the ground with a loud crash. He walked past Renee young and spoke in a serene voice tone.

Damien Sandow: Consider that a preliminary display of what I am going to do to my opponent on Monday night... Who is he again?

Renee Young: Big Show...

Damien leaned into Renee's microphone.

Damien Sandow: Ahh... And here I was, thinking there couldn't be a more gargantuan, shameless mistake in this dire day for human history. I guess this is what I get for encouraging the unwashed masses to believe in such absurdities... After all, someone with my intellect and my presence is obviously going to be influential for the weaker minded EBWF fans. But after Monday night everything will be straightened out and the EBWF universe will once again be enlightened. YOU'RE WELCOME!

Sandow stormed out of the room as the scene faded to black.