Assignment

The martyr clad in a dark cobalt bathrobe paced slowly back and forth. Behind him a red curtain with a couple of LED monitor screens with the EBWF logo swirling from side to side. Mr. Sandow ran a hand along his scruffy beard, pondering for a moment. Soon the sound of the door opening made him aim his eyes towards the left of the scene.

Damien Sandow: Ah, tardiness will always be a landmark for the dimwitted, Miss Young.

The camera panned out slowly to show Renee Young, wearing a silver dress, her blonde hair dragged back in a ponytail.

Renee Young: I'm terribly sorry Damien.

Damien Sandow: No you're not. You're just a petty, budding announcer who has had her fame cloud her judgment. Enjoy your quarter hour of fame, while it lasts. Anyway, I understand you summoned me for you had divulgence that might interest me and the unwashed masses of the EBWF universe?

Renee Young: Yes, I…

Damien Sandow: Or did you request my presence so I could make your job easier… Given the fact I have a match tonight

Renee Young: Well, now that you're here I might as well…

Damien Sandow: SILENCE! I suspected you requested my presence only to calm down your apathy and lack of enthusiasm for your job. Let's get this over with… What is the notice you've brought me.

Damien Sandow took a step closer towards Renee, taking the microphone from her hand and positioning it so that it would seem as if he was holding a goblet of some sorts; Renee was forced to walk out of the scene and get a mic for herself.

Renee Young: Now, as we all know… You are very fond of spreading your teachings throughout the world, right?

Damien Sandow: Teaching? Are you sure you're not confusing me with Jesus Christ? Let's put it simply like this: I am a formidable man on a noble mission to enlighten the unwashed masses. Now, I have been here for a couple of months… And believe it or not, the ignorance of the EBWF roster has resounded in my head… I had come to the conclusion that in order to end this sea of ignorance from drowning you all… I might as well take an apprentice under my wing.

Renee Young: Which is exactly why I summ… I mean, which I called you. Because I wanted to tell you that the EBWF board of directors decided to listen to your petition…

Damien Sandow: My petition? It is you ignoramuses who keep clamoring for salvation… I am just a vehicle for knowledge and good form.

Renee Young: … Right. The EBWF board of directors decided to appoint you to your first pupil. I wanted to gather your thoughts about that?

Damien Sandow: Well it was already time those corporate half-wits allowed me to get my hands on some minds to mold. Even if it just one, that is one less ignoramus running amok. Today is one… Tomorrow there will be MILLIONS of Sandow Soldiers, spreading enlightenment all over the Earth.

Renee probably shivered at the thought, Damien did as well but for completely opposite reasons.

Renee Young: Anyways, Damien… I really hope you manage to get around your apprentice, who has quite a reputation…

Damien Sandow: Sure, sure! I am more than capable of guiding misled being back into the track of virtue and righteousness, regardless of their notoriety!

Renee chuckled. Apparently she was going to enjoy what was set to happen in a few moments.

Renee Young: Alright… Without further ado, let me introduce to you your first ever apprentice… Kelly Kelly!

Sandow couldn't believe it. Renee snickered slightly as the camera panned out to focus on the blonde fluffhead who had just pranced into the room. Her sculptural body barely covered by a pleated checked miniskirt and a blouse that exposed her complete midriff, her platinum blonde bangs of hair combed in pigtails. The girl dressed as a school girl walked past Renee and handed Sandow an Apple…

Kelly Kelly: Hey there! Are you like, my new teacher? I'm soOoOoOoOoO excited, cause I want to learn like, a lot of things!

The intellectual savior was still speechless. He grabbed a hold of the apple he was offered and nodded slowly, Renee smiled behind them.

Renee Young: So… Kelly! Why don't you tell us a little about yourself and why did you become Mr. Sandow's apprentice!

Kelly slowly curled a finger around one of her pigtails.

Kelly Kelly: Alrighty!

Damien Sandow: Speak proper English, please.

Kelly Kelly: Okie Dokie.

Damien's hands ran along his face, Renee chuckled.

Kelly Kelly: Well as you know I was… Kinda working here… Doing this and that… And the board… You know, the guys in charge… Were kinda worried about me. To this day I think they're just really boring… Because nobody worries about someone who parties a lot and meets all kinds of hot guys every night, right?

Renee Young: I guess so…

Kelly Kelly: So, these boring old men were worried… They told me the only way they would let me stay in EBWF and earn my paycheck was if I became Mr. Sandows app… Appp… God I HATE long words!

Renee Young: Apprentice.

Kelly Kelly: Yeah! That. So here I am, ready to be his… Uhh… Err… Student, or whatevs. Basically I am with Sandow because I've been a very, very bad girl…

Kelly had tilted her head to one side and shot a sly smile at the camera as she concluded that sentence. Damien Sandow was still speechless.

Renee Young: Riiiiiiiight. Damien… What do you think about your new apprentice? You should consider yourself fortunate… I bet she'd love to be molded by many other guys as well…

It was as if something had lit up inside Kelly, her smile soon faded.

Kelly Kelly: Are you calling me a slut? You're just a jealous Biat…

Sandow wrapped an arm around Kelly Kelly, covering her mouth.

Damien Sandow: Now, now. Ceallaigh… You'll get nothing from using foul language. She was just implying that you are an extremely enticing and alluring young woman…

Kelly Kelly: Are you calling me easy?!?!?!?!

Kelly kicked away from Sandow's grip and went straight for his beard, giving it a forceful tug.

Damien Sandow: No! Ouch! Enticing means…

Kelly tugged firmly on the beard.

Kelly Kelly: Easy?

Damien Sandow: No! No!

Kelly Kelly: Disgusting blonde girl who pees on a sink?

Damien Sandow: No! Noooo! Wait, why would you think it means that?

Kelly Shrugged.

Kelly Kelly: Decided to take a wild guess… Not like I ever took a pee on a sink while Maryse took a picture.

Kelly released Sandow's beard.

Damien Sandow: Why don't you find out what enticing is for your first assignment, Kelly?

Kelly Kelly: Damnnn… When is it due?

Damien Sandow: Tonight of course…

Kelly Kelly: Aw come on! That is so unfair!

Kelly stormed away from the scene, Renee looked at Damien, who brought the microphone closer to his lips.

Damien Sandow: I believe there was something else you wanted to inquire about…

Renee Young: Of course. You'll face Justin Gabriel tonight at Warfare… Now he is known for his extreme acrobatic style and speed in the ring.

Damien Sandow: Ah, yes… I've been able to see that not every competitor in the EBWF roster thrives on being the fiercest grappler or the most winning superstar. I've seen some pathetic excuses of wrestlers jestering and juggling their way to fame, like a bunch of buffoons. I've seen everything… From halfwits with eating disorders, to ignoramuses pretending to play musical instrument. The fact someone wants to earn his paycheck by doing acrobatics fails to bewilder me… As much as the unwashed masses call watching a dancing monkey flipping back and forth for their amusement, as much as people are jolted by Justin Gabriel's proficiency performing stunts, somersaults and other gymnastic feats… I believe in a much more careful approach to victory.

Renee Young: What might that be?

Damien Sandow: For once, I am glad you asked. I would definitely love to see how much balance, equilibrium and an upright gait Mr. Gabriel is able to keep after I have delivered my devastating cubito aequet repeated times on the back of his skull, straight onto his cerebellum… Did you know Renee, that the Cerebellum and the cochlea are the organs which allow human beings to hold balance, propioception and coordination? I believe those are essential when performing the way Mr. Gabriel does, right? Tonight I shall give another step towards my triumphant return to the top of the summit, to get back what has been taken off me… Tonight I will make an example out of Justin Gabriel…

Kelly's head popped back into the scene?

Kelly Kelly: Did somebody say Justin Gabriel? Gawd he's so hawwwwt!!!

Kelly bit her lower lip at the thought of the daredevil from South Africa.

Kelly Kelly: How do I look? Do I look okay? Do you think he'd give me his number? Where is he anyway? Is he a friend of yours Damie…

Damien Sandow: SILENCE! You shall adress to me as Mr. Sandow. And I'd have to be 30 IQ points under my current score for someone like Justin Gabriel to be considered my friend. I shall only fraternise with superior intellects!

Kelly Kelly: Does that mean you only bone smart girls? Are there any girls who are smart and pretty? I doubt it… Don't you, Renee?

Damien Sandow: Thank you for your irrelevant opinion, Ms. Kelly.

Kelly Kelly: You're welcome Mr. Sandow! Yay! Does this mean I earned my first gold star?

Damien Sandow: I shall not prize you with the bestowal of feeble trophies as long as you're my apprentice.

Kelly Kelly: ARGHHH! I DON'T EVEN GET A WORD OF WHAT YOU'RE SAYING! BUT IT SOUNDED LIKE YOU WON'T GIVE ME MY GOD STAR!!!!!

Damien aimed his head towards the ceiling.

Damien Sandow: What have I done to deserve this?

He then turned towards Renee.

Damien Sandow: This is really burdensome. Do you have any more inquiries?

Kelly Kelly: Can I go to the ring with you and meet Justin Gabriel?

Damien Sandow: If it puts an end to this nonsense… Then YES!

Kelly Kelly: Yay! Damien, you're the best! Just try not to hit him too hard, okay?

Kelly pranced away in a way that would make AJ Lee's soul burn with the power of a thousand suns. Sandow just ran his open palm along his face…

Damien Sandow: You're… Welcome…

The scene faded to black.

Profitless.

The intoxicating scent of polished Mahogany filled the environment. Bookshelves completely stacked with all kinds of Novels, Encyclopaedias, Dictionaries... The camera panned out slowly to show a line of 6 desks. Sitting in each desk, a silent man sat. Each man was dressed sharply, with dark gray jackets, white collared blue shirts and red ties. All of them stared blankly to the front, where in front of a big desk, stood the Intellectual saviour of the masses, Damien Sandow. Mr. Sandow also beared a black suit, a white shirt underneath and a pink coloured tie. Beethoven's Symphony Nº 40 filled what looked like a top notch classroom. Beethoven's music faded in the background... Mr. Sandow walked in front of his pupils.

Damien Sandow: And that was Beethoven's 40th Symphony... One of the most absorbing and alluding sonatas ever composed by a man... Did you notice the arrangements on...

The students remained silent, looking straight at Damien.

Damien Sandow: ...It's not like I expected your inferior minds to appreciate such a talented interpretation... At least not without untrained hearing. Now, as we had scheduled... I am going to give a lecture on how to become prosperous, affluent, captivating and successful in life... Now...

Mr. Sandow's head turned towards the camera. His facial expression clearly showed revulsion. The camera had panned out to show Matt Striker, who had irrupted into Mr. Sandow's classroom.

Damien Sandow: But before I begin my lecture... Here is the perfect example on what NOT to do if want ones to become successful in life... Matt Striker.

Striker remained silent. 

Damien Sandow: A man who has tried to trascend in so many fields; Instruction, Communication, Wrestling... Yet who had failed miserably on every single attempt. Tell me, and tell the class Matt Striker, are you here looking for enlightenment?   

Matt Striker: Actually, Damien... I'm here to ask you about your upcoming match at Warfare.

Damien Sandow: Tell me something, Matthew... Do you think you are going to look any more astute before my students just because you used lengthier sentences? You could have just said: Yes. Could you please shed a light about the one in question?

Matt Striker: Your opponent?

Damien Sandow: No, the harlot I employed for tonight. YES! My opponent you ignoramus. 

Matt Striker: Jay Briscoe?

Damien turned his head towards his pupils.

Damien Sandow: Pupils, please note that my opponent goes by a common name consisting of one syllable, which clearly allows us to determine the intelligence of his parents, and thanks to a quick mental calculation based on my vast genetic knowledge... His own intelligences. Note that he goes by a common nickname for James, Jared, Jamie, Joaquin, Jonathan or Joseph... Matthew, is my opponent mentally challenged to any degree?

Matt Striker: N...

Damien Sandow: Rhetorical question! Compared to me, he is mentally challenged... You ALL are! Matthew... Tell me more about this simpleton I'm facing. 

Matt Striker: Jay Briscoe was working for Ring of Honor, where he was the World Champion at one point. Alongside is brother Mark, they have competed all over the globe and have held multiple championships. Jay also had an impressive performance in the EBWF King of the Ring Tour...

Damien Sandow: I would have to if I participated...

Matt Striker: You did, and Tensai squashed y..

Damien Sandow: SILENCE!!!! I said I would have won that Tournament if I had the chance to participate. You still haven't told me anything useful about my opponent Matthew... Do I have to send Ignatius to look in the internet?

Matt Striker: He's... Well... Of southern heritage...

Damien Sandow: AHA! So, Jay Briscoe is a man who basically enjoys watching NASCAR, drinking gargantuan amounts of brewed alcoholic beverages and sexual intercourse with first blood relatives?

Matt Striker: I've never....

Damien Sandow: Does he refuse to cope with the fact that the President of the United States of America is of African-American descent? Does he firmly believe in the second amendment of the constitution, to the point he displays his manliness by bearing arms?

Matt Striker: Where did all that come from?

Damien Sandow: Common sense. Does Jay Briscoe condemn homosexual conducts?

Matt Striker: He has been very vocal, up to the point of "Threatening to shoot everyone who attempted to teach his children that marriage between people of the same sex is normal..."

Damien Sandow: Typical. He's one of those Southern men who are still unable to come to terms with the turn of events after the Civil war that led to abolishing slavery. Now, whilst I am a fine believe that Diamonds form when you put pressure on them, I really doubt this troglodyte makes good feed stoke for the making of Diamonds. It is one of the hardest parts of being a martyr, an intellectual savior for the unwashed masses... Sometimes, my wisdom allows me to foresee when someone is just a lost cause... I'm pretty sure my opponent will not appreciate any enlightenment I am able to offer to him... I doubt he wants me to remove the shackles of ignorance and help him climb out of that dark cave he has been living in... Now, let me ask you something. If he doesn't want to be saved... And clearly... I am the bigger man out of the two... What is the point of the confrontation -If any? This contest is completely profitless, Matthew.

Matt Striker: You've told us what you think about your opponent... But as I stated before he made quite a name for himself at the King of The Ring Tournament, he even Pinned Mr. Money in the Bank... He went toe to toe with Bret Hart... I wouldn't take it lightly if I were you.

Sandow's laughter echoed in the wooden classroom.

Damien Sandow: Matthew! If you were me, you wouldn't be holding a microphone and asking the questions... You would be the beacon of good form and enlightenment. I thought I had clearly stated it with my victory over that Pachydermata  specimen last week... But if I have to do it again tonight... I will gladly SILENCE that inferior mind...

Matt Striker turned his attention to the camera.

Matt Striker: Last, Damien... In case Jay Briscoe is watching, do you want to send him a message?
Damien Sandow: Indeed. I'd like to inform my opponent that I am used to berating my opponent with my sole presence... I hope he does not take it personally. This is quite a peculiar situation, since this foe and I step on opposite ends of the spectrum of intelligences. In fact, I can picture him right now... Mouthing blasphemy after blasphemy, cursing the moment he had to share a ring with me. 

Damien looked delighted, smiling and squinting his eyes a little as he looked in the distance.
Damien Sandow: I can see his reaction when he watches me in my ring attire, his vexed facial expression at the socially unacceptable colors I am wearing to the ring... But you know, it is perfectly normal for a man to wear just about any color. Allow me to shed a light over those who ignore the true nature of my colors...

Sandow directed himself towards the class.

Damien Sandow: Make sure to take notes on this... As it will most likely show up in your mid term exam. People who allow colors to dictate a judgment about someone else are clearly intellectually impaired. Why would a color should draw a conclusion about someone? Take me for example... I have the height, weight, tan and contexture of a roman gladiator... I have the manliest beard you could ever dream of... And just because I decide to wear pi...

Matt Striker: Pink?

Damien Sandow: Pink, Coral, Fuchsia... Call it however you want! It doesn't change the fact I am as masculine as they come! It doesn't change the fact I will defeat my homophobic arm bearing opponent at Warfare!  Class dismissed...

YOU'RE WELCOME!

Sandow smirked confidently into the camera as the scene faded to black.

How to mend a gargantuan blunder.

Damien felt he had been awaken from a very lengthy period of sleep.

Ignatius' note: To you illiterate readers, it is not that Mr. Sandow is an ignoramus who believed human beings could hibernate. He is just using a figure of speech... Which... I doubt you even know what that means, so let's move on.

Damien awoke from his slumber feeling the biggest urge to quench the naive men's thirst for knowledge and enlightenment. For he was the biggest lighthouse in a sea of ignorance, Damien Sandow could not ignore his task, quintessential for the survival of mankind. Damien paced along the Bob Carpenter Center, prior to the EBWF Warfare event that would take place on Monday night. His nose hadn't felt the stench of ignorance in quite a while... He wrinkled his nose and shook his head while he walked along... Meditating, observing inferior creatures in their routinely jobs. Damien's moment of self-reflection would be interrupted by none other than the virally popular yet unexperienced and second-fiddle EBWF announcer, Renee Young... Alongside her, a camera man aimed the lens straight at Damien, the red lightbulb on the machine indicated it was indeed transmitting ignorance.

'Ahh...  Interrumpting my moment of rumination to bestow knowledge upon those who need it... Sometimes I think I incarnate nobility with astonishing perfection'

Renee Young: Excuse me, Mr. Sandow?

Damien Sandow: Yes, young lass... I take it you want me to grant you a moment of enlightenment.  

Renee Young: Actually, we've been looking for you all day long. 

Damien Sandow: I see desperation, thirst for knowledge in your eyes? Don't you worry, your savior is here!

Renee shook her head and looked at him.

Renee Young: Not only you haven't replied any calls or E-mail messages... You were supposed to address your upcoming match in an EBWF.net Interview. On top of that, you're supposed to attend Warfare Axxess and interact with the fans who had bought their tickets.

Damien Sandow shook his head a couple of times.

Damien Sandow: I categorically refuse to succumb at the slavery of technology these days. Tell whoever was looking for me that I won't condone the use of phones, or digital letters with TERRIBLE grammar.

The camera panned out to show a huge sign above a door which read "EBWF WARFARE AXXESS". He aimed his index finger at the hideously written sign,

Damien Sandow: Is that what I agreed to do? 

Renee nodded her head.

Damien Sandow: I feel a sudden urge to extirpate my corneas... Listen, young woman. Why don't you and that muttonhead with the camera accompany me while I interact with the unwashed masses? That way you can gather my thoughts, and who knows? Maybe even learn something.

Without further ado, Sandow began walking towards the door... He suddenly turned around and pointed at the camera.

Damien Sandow: And for the record, if access is misspelt ever again, you can forget about me grazing you with my presence.

Sandow was in for a horror show the moment he walked through the door. A cutout image of himself, holding a whole bunch of rabbit feet and golden horseshoes, amongst other lucky charms made his teeth cringe.

Damien Sandow: What in the name of Plato is this tomfoolery!?!?!?!?!

Sandow's exclamation made the few fans who gathered for the Axxess turn their head towards him. He found himself surrounded by them in a matter of seconds. Some of them wanted to take pictures with him, other's didn't have the delicacy to ask and just took pictures of him with their camera phones, people wanting them to sign their rabbit feet, dirty, dusty paws of slaughtered animals right on his face. Sandow shook his head and shoved them all off... He made way towards his carton cutout, which he immediately ripped apart. He walked over a pile of T-shirts with the rabbit foot printed on them and tossed them to the floor. Fans in attendance pressed themselves against nearby walls as they watched Sandow pant heavily.

Damien Sandow: Where did all this garbage come from? 

Renee Young pointed at Sandow a bit nervously.

Damien Sandow: Don't even tell me it came from me! Don't you dare tell me any of this was my idea... For I would never allow such detrimental products satisfy these consumerist ignoramuses! 

A tower of monitors next to Sandow lit up, displaying his recent antics and much more friendly persona. His eyes fixed on the images... Sandow took the tower of monitors and pushed it onto the ground with a loud crash. He walked past Renee young and spoke in a serene voice tone.

Damien Sandow: Consider that a preliminary display of what I am going to do to my opponent on Monday night... Who is he again?

Renee Young: Big Show...

Damien leaned into Renee's microphone.

Damien Sandow: Ahh... And here I was, thinking there couldn't be a more gargantuan, shameless mistake in this dire day for human history. I guess this is what I get for encouraging the unwashed masses to believe in such absurdities... After all, someone with my intellect and my presence is obviously going to be influential for the weaker minded EBWF fans. But after Monday night everything will be straightened out and the EBWF universe will once again be enlightened. YOU'RE WELCOME!

Sandow stormed out of the room as the scene faded to black.